You Don't Mess With Yoda's Cookies
by Scriptor Sapiens
Summary: Kit Fisto and Aayla Secura discover the hard way how far Yoda goes for his favorite confection.


YOU DON'T MESS WITH YODA'S COOKIES

Aayla and Kit meandered through the halls of the clone base, chatting amiably to each other, and waving at passing clones they recognized.

"Hey, Boil, you changed your hair!" Kit grinned at a passerby with a red crew cut.

The clone gave him a weird look. "Who's Boil?"

Or thought they recognized.

Kit froze, his grin twitching. "Sorry, never mind. I thought you were somebody else."

The clone shrugged and went along his way.

Aayla glared at her boy friend. "Well, that was awkward."

Kit frowned, continuing down the hallway. "It's not my fault, they all look the same! They're clones, for Pete's sake!"

They walked along in silence, now keeping from waving at anybody.

Except for Shaak Ti, who strolled past them gracefully.

"Fisto, Secura," the master greeted them. They smiled in her direction. She paused suddenly, and looked them up and down.

"You two look thin," she commented. "When was the last time you ate something other than the white cubes they serve on cruisers?"

Kit considered the question. "I think it was after the battle of Mon Calamari…"

"Or the battle of Kamino…" Aayla contemplated

Shaak Ti looked rather sick. "Well, ahem, alright then. Well…carry on…"

She shook her head a little bit before marching off again.

"Actually, Kit…" Aayla turned to face him. "I have been feeling undernourished these past couple of days."

"Me too," Kit agreed. "Let's find something to eat."

They glided off in the direction of the mess hall.

When the arrived at the mess hall and checked the menu, they almost puked. They didn't know what Horshk meat in cream of Pusu meant, but they sure didn't want to find out. Especially when they saw some clones quickly duck into the men's restroom next door, their faces green.

They unanimously decided to uncover lunch somewhere else.

They were wandering around the base without direction, exploring as they searched for something to eat elsewhere.

"Hey, Kit," Aayla poked him in the shoulder where he was getting a drink at the water fountain. "What's this?"

She pointed at a door that Kit did not remember exploring before.

"I'm not sure," the Nautolan frowned, walking up next to her. Then he gave a devilish grin. "Wanna find out?"

Aayla's evil smirk mirrored his own. She grasped the door handle in her blue hand and turned, stepping into the room.

The room was round, and made of wood. Tapestries decorated the walls, covered in murals of creatures wielding lightsabers through the centuries.

In the middle of the room was a round wooden table, with several red chairs surrounding. A light shone down from the ceiling, making the symbol of the Republic appear in the center of the table.

"Wow," Aayla whispered, smiling and examining a tapestry where a Jedi warrior appeared to be slicing a creature in half. "This must be the Jedi masters' lounge."

Kit, not stopping to admire the décor like the Twi'lek, made a beeline for the adjoining door. He stepped inside the small annex to discover a small kitchen of sorts.

What luck!

With a wide grin he began to rummage through the cabinets.

Aayla poked her head in the door to see what he was up to. "Whatchu doin?"

Kit snarled as he opened yet another cabinet. "Whoever stocks this place must be fasting," he growled, seeing nothing inside but cobwebs, some supplement bars, and a stray Sludgebug. "Their cabinets aren't very well stocked at all!"

He flicked the innocent Sludgebug in frustration. It sailed through the air and made a PANG on something metal.

Aayla picked up the tin the bug had landed on. "What's this?"

Kit seized the tin and opened the lid.

Immediately the aliens were arrested by the intoxicating aroma of fresh, baked, homemade, delicious, melty, chocolatey, fudge-covered, chewy…COOKIES!

Aayla grinned in delight. "Jackpot."

She plunged a hand into the tin, only to withdraw it again quickly with a howl of pain.

A mousetrap with a post-it note attached to it dangled from her finger.

She wrenched it off furiously, examining her finger was already starting to swell and bruise, most likely broken. And she was going to make sure the idiot who put a dang mousetrap in a cookie tin was going to pay.

Kit was in the process of discovering who said idiot was by reading the post-it note.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha," he read. "Yoda's cookies, property of Yoda, do not touch except for Yoda."

"Yoda, huh?" Aayla snarled, eyes glittering as she grabbed the mousetrap and reset it. She marched out into the lounge room and put the trap on the chair that was higher than the others and which she logically assumed was Yoda's. "Just wait till I get my hands on that little ball of green slime."

Kit had tailed her into the room and was busy counting the cookies. "There are 24 cookies in here," he muttered, adding in his head. "The probability of him missing two are approximately 18, 934 to one."

"I'll buy those odds," Aayla smiled, holding out her hand. "Gimme a cookie."

Kit took a cookie for his sister and himself, and then held his cookie up, grinning. "Here's to stealing Master Yoda's cookies with no consequences in sight!"

Aayla clutched her cookie with her good hand, thinking how might have already been consequences, and touched his cookie with hers.

Then they bit into the treats.

"Force," Kit whispered, his bulging eyes even wider. "These have got to be the best cookies in the galaxy!"

Aayla was too deep in cookie heaven to say anything. She savored the mouthful for as long as she could before quickly wolfing down the rest.

Kit followed suit.

Then the looked at their empty hands, and looked back at the tin. Back at their hands, back at the tin.

"He'll never miss it," Aayla whispered.

"You don't think so?" Kit asked.

Aayla mimicked the Jedi's words. "The probability is approximately 18, 934 to one."

Without a moment's hesitation, Kit seized the tin. "I'll buy those odds!"

A whisper of the Force outside the door warned them.

"Someone's coming!" Aayla hissed, grabbing the tin and stuffing it under the table.

The door slid open just as they finished hiding the cookies and who should walk in?

None other than Master Yoda himself, of course.

"Just our luck," muttered Aayla under her breath. Kit made a face in reply.

Yoda hobbled up to them, smiling bat ear to bat ear. "Hello, there, you two!"

"Good afternoon, Master," they greeted, pasting cheerful smiles over their conspirator smirks.

"We found this room, Master," Aayla quickly said, eager to keep the conversation going so it wouldn't seem awkward. "We are allowed to be in here, right?"

"Of course!" the little green alien squeaked, marching towards the door to the kitchen. "Jedi, you are! You belong here!"

Shit.

Yoda was going to discover his cookies were missing!

Aayla and Kit exchanged nervous looks as they heard the master open a cabinet. There was a pause. Then there were some furious rummaging noises and some muttered curses.

"Let's run for it," Kit hissed.

"But what about the cookies?"

"Screw the cookies! Do you wanna be put in the hospital bay?"

"But…"

But it was too late to run for it. Yoda hobbled back into the lounge, shaking his flappy ears and frowning.

"See my cookies, did you?" he asked them.

They smiled again and shook their heads. "No, Master."

Yoda frowned at them. They smiled back as cheesily as they could manage.

It was a mistake that was almost their undoing.

"Something in your teeth, you have," Yoda frowned up at Kit.

Said alien paled and ran his tongue over his left incisor. Sure enough, he tasted chocolate.

He needed to get out of there. And fast.

"Sorry,master,!" He pounded out the door like hell was coming.

And when Yoda became very suspicious and suddenly cast his glare on the unfortunate Aayla, she was sure it was.

Yoda smiled warmly and hopped up to Aayla. "See my cookies, you did not, correct?" he asked.

"No, Master Yoda, sir," Aayla grinned weakly. A corner of her mouth twitched.

"Good, this is," Yoda smiled, walking closer still. "Because my favorite, are those cookies, and severe consequences, there would be, for whoever took them."

She still grinned down at him, but she was sweating like crazy. Suddenly, all three feet of Yoda seized all five foot seven of Aayla by the collar, and yanked her down, staring her in the eye.

"Very SEVERE consequences," Yoda growled.

Aayla needed a miracle. And a miracle now!

A sudden evil thought popped into her head. She grinned evilly, before quickly wiping it off and replacing it with a frightened whimper.

"WELL?" Yoda howled, lightsaber coming out. Holy shit. He really wanted those cookies.

"I'm sorry, Master Yoda, sir, don't hurt me!" she yelped. "I was here to cover for Master Obi-Wan! He said he was really mad about you not giving him a raise! He said something about revenge!"

Yoda's eyes went wide. Then they narrowed to slits.

"Revenge, eh?" he hissed like a snake.

"Something like that," Aayla whimpered. She was glad that Yoda was so stark-raving mad because he might have noticed that Jedi don't even get raises. For that matter, they don't even have salaries. They're just a provided service. Master Anakin had to work for ten years at Galactic Pizza to get his penthouse. And even then he had mooched most of it off Padme.

Yoda released Aayla stiffly. "Dismissed, you are, Aayla," he snarled.

Aayla quickly exited the room with all due haste and immediately took the elevator towards Obi-Wan's room on the fifth floor. If Yoda got there first, he'd scalp poor Obi-Wan and use it as a doormat.

She sprang from the elevator, knocked over a clone, and tore for the room.

She had just rounded the corner when she froze.

A green bolt of lightning had just shot across the hallway towards Obi-Wan's room.

Damn.

Little bugger must have used the ventilation systems.

She peered around the corner, but she couldn't see into the room. She could only see the doors and shadows.

It looked like Obi-Wan was doing some possessed form of yoga. She heard a sickening vertebrae pop when suddenly Yoda's shadow appeared right next to Obi-Wan's. It looked ominously more ferocious and larger than it usually did.

"Good evening, Master," came Obi-Wan's casual reply. He obviously had no idea that Armageddon had officially arrived at his door, welcome-wagon in tow.

"WANT RAISE, DO YOU!" Yoda shrieked like a man on an acid trip. "WELL, HERE'S YOUR RAISE! RAISED WELT YOU WILL HAVE, AND BE GREASE STAIN ON FLOOR YOU SHALL! USE YOUR BONES FOR BREAD I SHALL!"

"Master, what are you doing? Don't look at me that way, stop, HEL-!"

And there was a deafening KABOOM! And a sofa flew out into the hallway.

Several passing clones stopped to watch.

From the shadows, Aayla could see Obi-Wan being reduced to a crumpled heap on the floor by various articles of furniture. Occasionally there was the scattered "HELP!" from Obi-Wan, only recently it sounded more like a desperate whim than a cry. Yoda would merely howl, "SHUT UP!" like Emily Rose on steroids and silence him with another sofa.

Five minutes passed and you couldn't even distinguish Obi-Wan's form from the rest of the furniture. All the clone army had gathered to watch.

Ventress herself was leaning against the doorjam, very much enjoying herself, like a kid at Christmas.

"Next time," she grinned, "I'll sell tickets."

Mace Windu walked down the hallway, and upon seeing the crowd gathered and the mayhem in Obi-Wan's room, charged in and wrestled a screaming Yoda into a straightjacket. Obi-Wan wasn't putting up much of a fight anymore. He looked more like a spoonful of raspberry gelatin than a Jedi master.

"Ventress!" Windu screeched, holding a bellowing Yoda by the tied sleeves of the straightjacket. "Why didn't you intervene?"

"He looked like he was handling things," she smirked.

Mace Windu was about to unleash Doomsday Yoda on her, who was still kicking and screaming like a two-year old having a fit, when he stepped in something that looked horribly like Obi-Wan's gauntlet doused in jam.

Ventress looked down at it, and her pale complexion turned even paler. "Ooh, that's bad. Can we get a medical droid? Like now? Before he soaks into the carpet? And maybe call the prison guard? Check to see if we have a solitary confinement room open."

Kit sprinted toward his conspirator, his teeth scrubbed immaculately clean. "What did you do?"

"I told Yoda that Obi-Wan took the cookies."

"Don't you remember what happened when Master Windu was his Padawan and he took the cookies?"

"Oh, yeah, I didn't think of that," she muttered as the medical droid with a bulldozer end up front escorted what was left of poor Obi-Wan up to the medical bay. A janitor walked behind it, mopping up whatever spilled to one side.

As it turned the corner, something that looked like a leg rolled off and the janitor had to pick it up and replace it.

The congregation stood in stunned silence, all except Yoda. He was still screaming like a banshee.

That's when the lovely men in white coats took him away in a padded golf cart.

Meanwhile, Anakin had strolled into the Jedi lounge, book in hand, followed by Ahsoka and Rex. They all sat down at the table and when Anakin put his feet up on the table, a tin rolled out from under the table and spilled all over the floor.

"Cool," Ahsoka smiled, picking up the contents. "Free cookies for everybody," she crowed.

"Hey, did you guys know what was going on?" Rex asked as he helped himself to a cookie as he read the obituaries. Not surprisingly, most of them consisted of Clone 223343, Clone 264, and such. "All the clones were gone from practice today."

"I don't know," said Anakin as he munched on a peanut butter cookie. "I was looking for Master Obi-Wan today, and I couldn't find him. All I found was this weird gunk that won't come off my shoe and smells like his cologne."

"And Master Yoda's missing too," piped up Ahsoka. "I was going to go ask him if I could go borrow some of his training droids."

"I don't know," Rex said. "Everybody's been missing today. I haven't seen Kit or Aayla either. Hey, is anybody going to eat that last cookie?"

"Yes," said Anakin and with a quick snap, he Forced it into his mouth. "What are these anyway?" he asked, picking up the tin and sitting down in the highest chair.

There was a loud POP! And Anakin's eyes crossed.

With a howl that was very reminiscent of the Pink Panther stepping on a tack, Anakin leapt from the chair, trying to pull a mousetrap off his toga as he and Rex danced around anxiously like two rooster's fighting.

Ahsoka leaned back in her chair as she read the tin. Her eyes popped out of their sockets as she read, 'Yoda's cookies, property of Yoda, do not touch, except for Yoda. Consequences are VERY severe!'

"Guys…" she mumbled, sounding very small.

"Guys…" she whimpered.

Suddenly, she heard some light padding coming from the hall and she dove under the table.

Yoda walked in, still shaking in rage. "IIII'mmmm oooookkkkayyyy," he was muttering to himself. "IIII aaammmm assss caaaallllmmmm asss ssooollllarr winndddss. III'mmm ooookkkkkayyyy-"

And then his eyes fell upon the empty cookie tin, and Rex and Anakin dancing around, trying to get the mousetrap off his tush.

"Ssssoooooo," he hissed, deadly viper hiss.

As he began to stalk menacingly towards the two, Ahsoka crept out of the room like a mouse. As soon as the door shut behind her, she pulled out her com link and said, "Admiral, bring sparkling water, a straightjacket, and paramedics."

FIN.


End file.
